Monday, May 21, 2012

BYTT Week 5

Yes, I am in Hell.

This post might be pretty negative, so read at your own risk (Mom!)....

This week started off so wonderful. My mentor/friend N, (a teacher in NY who came out to my island in 2010 for a month and we just clicked right away) got here Monday. I just loved having her here to talk about all this stuff with. She is so relaxed and easy going, and a fabulous person. She gave me some inside scoops, like who was scheduled to teach that night, or what the staff was saying about us burning through posture clinics so fast, so we might have to watch more Bollywood movies to slow us down. It was fun having someone to eat my meals with that was not a trainee.

(At this point, I am just starting to get burned out. Just sick of being surrounded by hundreds of yogis, sick of hearing dialogue, sick of always waiting in lines, sick of everything about this. Since I can't just hang out in my room, I keep searching for someplace to study alone, and.. there. is. NO. place. to. be. alone. I am someone who recharges by being alone, so I have burned out my battery here folks. I am toast.)

My other friend, T, who was my roomie on my island, and also came to India last year and spent a week with me and my Husbo, came for recertification. So I was distracted by two friends, and was having a great week until about Thursday.

Rajashree finally came. Her classes are sweet. She asks us questions and tells us how lucky we are, and gives gentle pushes to keep trying. So unlike her bossy husband! I love listening to the Indian accent!

Wednesday, everyone was so excited as it was the halfway point of TT. And Friday, all the recertifying Teachers came so we had 120+ extra bodies in the yoga room. They said Friday night, Bikram's class, had 600 people, was 130 degrees, was 2.5 hours long and was being filmed.  Bikram was in a mood that night. He told stories between every posture, yelled at the visiting teachers for letting themselves go, and was very entertaining. I loved every second of it. I felt great.

I think it is interesting that as my mood and outlook outside the hot room has deteriorated, my yoga practice has gotten better. All my classes at the end of the week, were strong, focused, and energizing.

But outside the yoga room, something has taken over me.

I am struggling. The posture clinics have gotten worse. I am gripped with an irrational fear, and nervousness that wipes my mind of everything I thought I had memorized. I get up there and can't think, can't breathe. I can't remember any feedback, and I hate myself.

Yes, Hell is my mind this week, telling me how stupid I am. I am really hating myself, and berating myself, and feeling so unworthy and full of shit. What the heck am I doing here? I don't deserve any of this. I can't be a teacher, I can't even remember my own name standing in front of people. I don't want to be me this week. I am super envious of absolutely everyone else, because I am convinced that they are all much better than me in every aspect imaginable, and I am the scum of the earth.


So Friday night, they sprung a Posture Clinic on us, after we had done so many already, and they had even given us the hope of having the night off because Bikram was going to lecture to all the recert Teachers. Everyone was unprepared. I was completely numb. I had finished Wind Removing pose right before class, and did not even look at Cobra. So in PC, a fellow groupie got up and told them he hadn't looked at it, they told him to just wing it, and I thought I could do the same. I mean, I have done this yoga for 10 years, I have heard this dialogue thousands of times, why can't I just visualize what is happening and say it???

But my mood was so black and ugly, and when I got up there, of course I froze and went blank, and I don't remember what I said, but it was shit, and then I started crying. Yep, I am that girl. The one who lost it in public. But seeing as how I don't ever get any privacy EVER, I guess it was bound to happen in public. (Although, it would have been much better if it would have happened in the hot room, when no one would have noticed!)

I cried and they made me say the posture that I didn't know, AGAIN, and I said exactly the same things. She said it was better, and I said how could it possibly be better, as I said it exactly the same. She said it is because I was taking myself seriously the second time. Yes, hating my guts, being totally embarrassed and trying to hold back more tears was much better. I honestly don't get this. I can't seem to please anyone, and I am more and more miserable every day. I am seriously doubting my ability to teach this yoga. I am doubting whether I even want to.

After they let us go, I sat in the stairwell between the 10th and 11th floors and cried my eyes out. Even then, people came by. There is just NO place to be alone.

So before N left, she gave me a sweet card with a message that she got me a hotel room down the street for Saturday night. So I could have one night all alone. So wonderful. I studied dialogue, and took an epsom salt bath, and tried to Skype with Husbo but the internet wasn't working. :(

I think it's pretty sad that in order to have some alone time, I have to get another room. The selfishness of my roommate is pretty amazing isn't it? Both N and T, came up to the room to shower on different days, and while I was in the shower, both had the opportunity to observe her just sitting in her damn chair, just chewing. That's all she does, sit there and chew. N nicknamed her The Chewer. They both said it was kind of creepy. She just stares into space and chews. It is so creepy that I leave the room constantly. I can't stand to listen to it anymore. I want to change rooms. Is that even possible? I would rather have the noisiest, messiest roommate that will leave the room occasionally than have this one that refuses to leave EVER, and does nothing but sit in that chair and chews.

I know. I am allowing her to steal my peace. But I am not a big-hearted yogi this week. I am a pissed off, full of self hatred, depressed, scared little girl this week. I am in Hell for certain. Hell is a black mind, I am sure of it. Does it get better?


  1. Sending you the BIGGEST Cyber *HUG*. I know just what you're going through, it is a circus. Do not give up, you will read this post back in a years time & laugh. Stay Strong, the finish line is close :-)

    p.s. you CAN change rooms if there is one available, go find the staff in charge of rooms & talk to them, also spread the word amongst your friends, there might just be someone in the same situation who needs a new roomie - ie YOU!

  2. First of all, hugs. A bear hug. My heart goes out to you right now girl, coz I get this thing about black mind = hell.

    But am sure it will get better. It always does. Try to get your room changed. And don't even think about pleasing anyone. Just focus on yourself. You are doing a great job and such things happen to the best of us (that includes you!). So let this phase go away. All the best! Life will be better soon :)