Monday, May 14, 2012

BYTT- Week 4

Red wants more details, so I shall try harder to not let my brain fog get in the way...

Week 4 was rough.

Monday, I felt tired and my throat was a bit scratchy, and Tuesday, it turned into a horrible cough and fever. I tried to get through class in the morning, but I was so ill. When I got to posture clinic, I tried to tell M, the scary dude who runs the sound and yells at us to be quiet, and to my embarrassment I started crying. He told me to see the nurse. She gave me some cough drops, some tylenol, and told me to attend posture clinic, and then see her before the evening class. I spent the entire posture clinic coughing my lungs out. I sat in the back to avoid the freaked out looks from others, and I was miserable. At one point, I laid down on the chairs and must have fallen asleep, because I was rudely shaken awake and reprimanded by the evil queen who runs things around here, K ( I swear I haven't heard of her being the least bit nice to anyone. It's hard enough here without having to deal with people on power trips!), and I am sure that all the students were sorry about that because that was the only time I wasn't hacking!

I ended up having a fever, and missed class that night and both classes on Wed. I went straight to bed every time I got the ok to miss class. And because I coughed so much on Tues, on Wed I had no voice!! It made delivering my Standing Head to Knee dialogue very interesting. Luckily, M was in a good mood that day, and he just told me to get well.

Thursday, I was so anxious to get back into the hot room! I got my temp taken and go the okay from the nurse, and proceeded to get my ass kicked by senior teacher, Emmy. I wasn't as well as I had thought, felt very weak midway through. And Thursday evening, was my low point....

In ten years, I haven't left the room since a few times in the first year. The studio where I first started doing the yoga really stressed not leaving the room and I learned very quickly to just lay on my mat and let the mad feelings that were overwhelming me, just wash over and go away. No need to run from them. Just accept that it is hot and uncomfortable and move on. So leaving the room has never been an issue for me.

But Thursday nights class was with Jim Kallett and the room was so hot and steamy, that there were tons of people falling down and leaving and struggling big time. Even the teachers. In the floor series, (I swear the floor is heated, I think they are roasting us for dinner!) it was actually cooler to sit up and gasp for breath then lay on the mat. I felt so ill, and kept coughing, and I would do the sit up and then lay back down. No strength at all! I must have looked ill, because Sharon, a teacher practicing in the back directly behind me, came up around Rabbit pose and told me to step outside and get some air and then come back. No arguing with a teacher! I got out in the hall and cried for a bit. How humbling. Then smiley, shiny Felix came through on his way back into the hot room and he looked so miserable, but he put his hand out to help me up and I immediately felt energized by his looking out for me even when he was struggling. I went and blew my nose and then went back to my mat and finished the class with strength and intention.

Kind of dangerous, because now I want to leave the room all the time! ;)

Posture clinics are not getting any easier. It is so damn scary to get up in front of 40 something people and hope that your mind doesn't go completely blank. Which it always does. I don't know how I will ever teach a full class. I seriously struggle with this. And it affects the self esteem, and feelings of worth. It seems so easy, but is killing most of us. It helps to know that 99% of us hate this and we are all rooting for each other, but it is still the most uncomfortable thing to do ever. But, a teacher from New Zealand, Simon, said "There is beauty in the struggling" and I am trying to hold onto that and look for the beauty when my mind just wants to call myself names and put myself down.

Future trainees... A piece of advice... Find a roommate that has the courtesy to share the room with you. By share I mean, will occasionally eat and study downstairs so that you can have the room to yourself, to study dialogue out loud, cry into your pillow, skype with your husband, or just veg in alone-ness. My roommate NEVER leaves and it is seriously pissing me off. She sits in the chair by her bed every moment we are not in class. She never showers, and she changes her clothes by the bed, so I seriously NEVER get a single damn moment to myself. I am so sick of hearing her chew her food, that I leave the room and wander the hotel, trying to find a quiet place to think, but in a hotel full of 420 other yogis, it is not that easy. I haven't skyped with my husband since I have been here because I get NO privacy. And yes, I talked to her about it and her response was that she "didn't pay $4000 to have a room just to sit in the hotel somewhere". I think it is incredibly selfish. (I want to punch her in the face. Not very yogi-like, I know!) I leave all the time now, and she gets tons of time to herself. I AM SERIOUSLY GOING CRAZY.

Is that enough detail, Red? :)

Here comes week 5. Bikram comes back, so we can expect more late movie nights and lots of sleep deprivation.They call Week 5 the Hell Week. I have two teacher/friends coming to visit me, so I think it will be a wonderful week.

Wish me luck, and keep me in your prayers. Or send me money to get my own room. ;)


  1. Let it out girl! It WILL get better and we can do this!

  2. Vent, vent, vent lady! If you can't do it here where can you? If you can afford it, spring for a single room, if there is one available - talk to the staff. As the weeks go on it gets cheaper. An investment in sanity or roll with it the room mate challenge. That was my BIGGEST challenge of the whole gig. I think it made me more compassionate...but I didn't feel it at the time :-)

  3. "Success is not final, failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts."

    -- Winston Churchill

    Sending energy to you!!


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