Monday, May 9, 2011

The Ugly Truth

It is the night I go home. We are at a friends place in Mumbai, waiting for my flight. I get to order one more dinner of butter chicken before I go. :)

I am so relieved to be heading back. It was wonderful to be here with him, to get to know him better, but it was difficult to realize some hard truths about myself.

Having too much time on my hands was not good for me. My mind can take one little thing and blow it up into a presumptive mess. It is challenging to face the the fact that I am not nice when I feel helpless, stifled, unsure. There were many times these last two months that I did not like myself.

It is hard enough to deal with a country, language, food and customs that are not my own, but I had to throw in a burgeoning relationship that was supposed to grow in a somewhat artificial environment. I am not this person that  he knows. I am an independent individual who supports herself, who texts her friends, who goes to Bikram yoga everyday, who loves her car and her bike, loves drinking at the local pub with all her island friends, who visits the library once a week, and likes to eat out for almost every meal. All of these things I don't do or have here.

He made a comment about something that he thought wasn't me, and it floored me because, in my country, it is me. He doesn't know me at all. He only knows the girl who is in India on intermission from her life and responsibilities.

I tried not to post when I felt bad, which is why I posted a lot less than I thought I would when I made this blog. It is not easy for an Aries to admit her faults. To admit that I don't like myself when I feel helpless, worthless, and left out. To feel resentful when Husband is not keeping me in the know, filling me in, informing me of plans ahead of time instead of just springing things on me that were just discussed by everyone in the room but me, because I don't understand the language. No matter how many times I ask everyone to speak in English around me when plans are being made, they unknowingly slip back into Hindi after about three minutes.

Sigh. It's not his fault. He has been wonderful. He is so patient, says that he understands. Didn't hold it against me when I picked fights with him out of boredom and frustration. I hope that I can be as accommodating and gracious when he is adjusting in my country.

It amuses me that I think our daily phone calls when we are apart are a more realistic way of getting to know the details of each others lives, thoughts, and dreams than me being here in a suspended state of living.

Being with someone from a different country is hard. Being married to him means I can't hide from the things I don't like about myself. In order to love him, I have to learn to love all aspects of myself, and it is disconcerting to accept that I am not perfect! ;)

Thank you to all my supportive readers, and to all the gori girls who are with Indian men, and blog about it. I am thinking that I will keep this blog to write about the extensive immigration process that is ahead of us, and hope that it helps others in the same situation.

This sojourn may be over, but the adventure is just beginning.

1 comment:

  1. I hope you do keep the blog. And I'm glad you posted this. I'm going through some of the same things. I blogged about feeling like I was 3 more than once. It is hard to learn to live all over again and there is nothing anyone can do to help you because they don't have the things you miss. They can't give you the things you long for. And we do find out just how ugly we can be inside. I've made it through 4 months here myself, and in some ways it's getting easier but I'm also getting more persistent on pushing for my needs to be met and not letting them get it done in their own timing. Indian standard timing will kill a woman quick lol.

    And think of it this way. Next time you visit, you will be armed and ready for what you need to do to survive. Maybe pack a few less clothes and a little more of the things you know you're going to miss.